I have a little Jack Russell and two adorable (but slightly annoying) cats. I have to vacuum the house a lot because of the animal hair (if I don’t, within a week it looks like we have shag carpet).
No matter how many times I vacuum, my animals react in the same exact way every single time. With total, unadulterated terror. So, I drew up a sketch based on how I think my pets see me when I vacuum.
Lately my cats have been getting on my nerves. It’s just little things they’re doing – like dragging blankets through the house (my blankets, not theirs), stealing the dog’s food, play-fighting on the couch – so violently that couch cushions end up all over the floor, scampering across the kitchen counter (I’m looking at you, Cherri) and just being generally irritating.
They have, in fact, been so annoying lately that I am starting to wonder if they have some kind of beef with me. There is a lot of debate on whether cats can be vengeful or not; some people say yes (mostly cat owners) and others say it’s not possible for a (non-human) animal to have an emotion like revenge. I tend to lean towards the side of Hell, yeah, they are!
It started me thinking… what if I decided to get revenge on my cats? Of course I wouldn’t actually do that, but if I did…how would I go about it? Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…
How to get revenge on your cat
1. Cats are attracted to boxes like moths to a flame. Put a giant empty box in the lounge room. The vengeful part? Make sure it is completely sealed.
2. Keep the door closed to just one room of the house. It will soon become the only place your cat wants to be.
3. Eat bacon in front of them.
4. When cats encounter something new in their environment it really freaks them out. Put an object in a place where there is normally nothing (like the hallway). It doesn’t even have to be anything scary-looking; for example, a lamp will do nicely.
5. Borrow an annoying puppy for the day.
6. Deny access to your lap.
If you have any more revenge ideas feel free to e-mail me. If I like your idea I’ll draw it and put it up here.
For a long time I thought my cat was just wonderfully cuddly or wearing her winter fur, but after being asked if she was pregnant by at least nine people (including the guy who came to fix our bathroom tiles) I began to think that perhaps my perception was a little distorted.
There were definite signs that she had a problem.
Like the day we realised that our fish tank was just a big, glass pot-plant holder.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to help her slim down, I really have, but she always finds a way to thwart my efforts.
The other day I fed the cat and dog and, as always, I fed the cat on top of the dryer so the dog can’t eat her food. After a few minutes I heard growling and barking coming from the laundry. This is what I found:
That’s right, apparently her food was just an appetiser and the dog’s food was her main meal. This discovery left me wondering two things; firstly, how many times has she done this without me knowing and secondly, why is my dog such a wimp?
So, I put my cat on yet another diet yesterday and I thought she was doing pretty well…that is, until I went to take the clothes out of the dryer.
As I bent down to retrieve the toasty-warm clothes I heard footsteps thundering so loudly through the house that, for a brief moment, I believed it might be the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was confronted with a full-on assault!
My cat, in the mistaken belief that (because I was in the laundry) she was about to be fed, leaped through the air with such force that she butted me fair in the head, knocked me off balance and crashed into the box of laundry powder atop the dryer, spilling its contents all over the floor.
She then attempted to look cute and ask for food.
Although I know this diet is good for my cat’s health, I’m not so sure that it’s good for mine.
Our pets drive us crazy from time to time, but things are never boring with them around. Recently I got to thinking, what would life be like without them?
Without my cat and dog…
who would stalk me and make me feel important?
who would kill the really big spiders?
who would create an obstacle course for me when I come home from grocery shopping?
who would kill the giant rat I didn’t know I had?
who would make my yoga practice more challenging?
who would alert me to the fact that a car door has been closed, somewhere?
who would prevent the house from being overrun by plants?
who would make our boring clothes look like expensive fur coats?
…and, goodness knows, those tissues aren’t going to get ripped up and spread all over the house by themselves!
Yep, life would be pretty crap without them.