The Sulphur-crested Cockatoo

We have a lot of birds where I live. Most of them make beautiful sounds…all except one. The Sulphur-crested Cockatoo.

This is what the Sulphur-crested Cockatoo looks like.

cocky

Beautiful, isn’t it? (Image source: Wikipedia)

This is what the Sulphur-crested Cockatoo sounds like it looks like.cockatoo2

Why Ghosts are Scarier than Zombies

I have always thought that ghosts were way scarier than zombies, but never really bothered to put any thought into why I think that. I recently came to the realisation that this was just plain lazy, so last week I thought long and hard about the reasons…

…why ghosts are scarier than zombies

Reason #1 You can’t kill a ghost.

I know exactly how to kill a zombie…

beheading

…but how the hell do you kill a ghost?

Invisible_ghost

Reason #2 Ghosts make horrible neighbours.

Imagine you lived next door to a haunted house…

haunted-house

What happens if your ball goes into their yard? You’re screwed!

Now, imagine you lived next door to a house full of zombies…

zombie-house

Considering the fact that zombies are mentally incapable of understanding the mechanics behind opening a door or window, living next door to them would be at best hilarious and at worst, a bit on the noisy side (and at least you can get your ball back).

Reason #3 Ghosts are malevolent and cruel.

Think about it…who would you rather have visit you in the dead of night, that ghost girl from The Ring…

Ringu

Or this guy? Sure, he’s not pretty, but he’s not there to haunt you until you go insane, he’s just a bit peckish is all.

zombie

Reason #4 Ghosts are very, very sneaky.

sneaky_ghost

Zombies are terrible hiders.

unsneaky_zombie

Reason #5 You don’t hear anyone telling zombie stories around the campfire.

They’re just not that scary.

ghost_story

Reason #6 Ghosts might actually exist.
It seems that almost everyone claims to have seen, or felt the presence of, a ghost at some point in their life.

ghost_tales

Nobody has ever claimed to have seen a zombie.

zombie_story

How To Get Revenge On Your Cat

Lately my cats have been getting on my nerves. It’s just little things they’re doing – like dragging blankets through the house (my blankets, not theirs), stealing the dog’s food, play-fighting on the couch – so violently that couch cushions end up all over the floor, scampering across the kitchen counter (I’m looking at you, Cherri) and just being generally irritating.

They have, in fact, been so annoying lately that I am starting to wonder if they have some kind of beef with me. There is a lot of debate on whether cats can be vengeful or not; some people say yes (mostly cat owners) and others say it’s not possible for a (non-human) animal to have an emotion like revenge. I tend to lean towards the side of Hell, yeah, they are!

It started me thinking… what if I decided to get revenge on my cats? Of course I wouldn’t actually do that, but if I did…how would I go about it? Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…

How to get revenge on your cat

1. Cats are attracted to boxes like moths to a flame. Put a giant empty box in the lounge room. The vengeful part? Make sure it is completely sealed.

box

2. Keep the door closed to just one room of the house. It will soon become the only place your cat wants to be.

mystery_room

3. Eat bacon in front of them.

bacon

4. When cats encounter something new in their environment it really freaks them out. Put an object in a place where there is normally nothing (like the hallway). It doesn’t even have to be anything scary-looking; for example, a lamp will do nicely.

they don't love lamp

5. Borrow an annoying puppy for the day.

annoying-puppy

6. Deny access to your lap.

no-lap

If you have any more revenge ideas feel free to e-mail me. If I like your idea I’ll draw it and put it up here.

Last Week at the Pharmacy

It had been a particularly long day at work; I was brain-fried, exhausted and sweaty, but I had to stop at the pharmacy to grab a few essential items. It was there that I was met with possibly the most ill-timed greeting in the history of the world.

Brittanygreat

Brittany, or whatever your name was, I love you.

For more awkward social situations check out Socially-Inappropriate Security Guard Guy.

How To Make Everyday Afflictions Seem More Dramatic

When you’re a hypochondriac it can be rather difficult to get your family and friends to take your health concerns seriously. I mean, they’ve heard it all before, right? I figure there are many of you in the same boat as me, so after giving it some thought I believe I have finally come up with a new way to garner sympathy and coddling from your loved ones. It simply involves dressing up your words a little bit.

For example, you can make a hangover appear more legitimate (thus evoking more sympathy from others) by referring to it as “veisalgia”.

veisalgia

Painful cramps? Not anymore, now you have dysmenorrhoea!

cramps

Pins and needles?

pins and needles

Feeling itchy is for commoners!

pruritis

Hayfever Shmayfever!

hayfever

If you ever want to simply perplex your loved ones, try this…

phosphenes

…and lastly, may I present the ultimate excuse for not going into work…

sickie

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because I have some major obdormition happening in my arse cheeks!