The Sulphur-crested Cockatoo

We have a lot of birds where I live. Most of them make beautiful sounds…all except one. The Sulphur-crested Cockatoo.

This is what the Sulphur-crested Cockatoo looks like.

cocky

Beautiful, isn’t it? (Image source: Wikipedia)

This is what the Sulphur-crested Cockatoo sounds like it looks like.cockatoo2

How My Pets See Me When I Vacuum

I have a little Jack Russell and two adorable (but slightly annoying) cats. I have to vacuum the house a lot because of the animal hair (if I don’t, within a week it looks like we have shag carpet).

No matter how many times I vacuum, my animals react in the same exact way every single time. With total, unadulterated terror. So, I drew up a sketch based on how I think my pets see me when I vacuum.

Vacuum_lady

Home Alone

I love my family, but when they all leave the house at once it is awesome! It also doesn’t happen very often, so when the opportunity arises, I jump at it.

bye

Then, when I find myself alone, it’s always a bit of a shock…

Home alone

…until reality sinks in.

Home alone2

Then it’s just a matter of deciding what to do…

Pull out my recipe books and cook some exotic, gourmet meal?

fancy-pants

Wade through the masses of paperwork that needs filing?

paperwork

Yoga?

Downward_Dog

That’s it! Yoga always makes me feel amazing afterward. I am totally going to do yoga!

Right after I finish this game.

wwf

I’m a Murderer

When I was little I loved all animals and insects. In fact I loved them so much that sometimes I accidentally loved them to death.

Like when I fed my fish – day…

fish

and night.

fish2

It was months before my parents realised what I was doing and we had gone through countless fish (and backyard funerals).

fish3

Then there were the skinks.

skink

I could never understand why they didn’t seem to live very long in their little skink houses. The homes I created for them had absolutely everything a skink could ever want! Grass…dirt…water…

skink2

skink3

skink4

When I was a little older I spent a whole day trying to help cicadas out of their shells – partly because I was impatient and partly because I knew they had such a short life span. I just tried to get them out into the big wide world as quickly as possible.

cicada

There were no survivors, but I learned my lesson and never tried to hurry them again.

cicada2

There was one particular incident, however, that haunts me to this day.

When I was about six I discovered a little nest in a small tree around the side of our house. I was absolutely beside myself as I had never seen a nest that close up before, let alone looked inside one. I was dying to take a peek at what I imagined would be a nest full of cute little baby birds.

The tree wasn’t much taller than me and I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to climb up and have a peek inside. The only problem was, the mother bird was always sitting in it and I didn’t want to scare her, so I left it alone.

birdsnest1

One day I came outside to find the mother bird gone.

birdsnest2

birdsnest3

I couldn’t quite see inside the nest, so I tilted it slightly towards me.

birdsnest4

I got to see the three most beautiful little eggs tucked cosily among the twigs and leaves…

birdsnest5

for about one whole second before they toppled from the nest and smashed upon the ground.

birdsnest6

I was a monster.

I felt so guilty that I didn’t go around that side of the house for many months – I couldn’t bear to return to the scene of my crime. I also had paranoid fears that the mother bird would know what I had done and peck out my eyes with her little beak.

But that was all a long time ago – I was just an innocent, curious child. I shouldn’t carry any guilt for those unfortunate accidents.

karma

But I do.

How to Watch a Horror Movie

Remember that scene in The Evil Dead where that regular, everyday douche-bag suddenly turns into a terrifying, supernatural douche-bag? You know, this guy…

holy-crapballs

Well, every time I watch that scene I do this:

aaaaargh

Every.single.time.

Over the years I have noticed a common trait in horror movie buffs – nothing really scares them. I know there must be others like me – horror movie buffs who crap themselves through each and every scary movie – but I think we are definitely the exception. In fact, most people I know who crap themselves watching horror movies tend to avoid watching them.

My husband, daughter and I are all horror movie buffs, but they belong to the former category and sit through every horror movie looking incredibly relaxed, if not slightly bored. I am the exact opposite to them and have developed a variety of ways to get through horror movies without too much trauma; some of these include:

Not actually watching.

eyes_shut

Using husband as protection.

hold_me

Making the most of visual impairment.

no_glasses

One night a few weeks ago we were all watching a particularly scary horror film. I was doing my usual thing, feeling unbearably anxious and trying to somehow watch without actually seeing anything.

 

pillows-will-save-me

 

fingers

Tired of my endless fidgeting and my constantly asking “What’s happening – is the scary bit over yet?” my daughter handed me one of my son’s toy guns.

gun

I know it was meant to be a joke, but I took the toy gun and aimed it at the television. Immediately something came over me – a feeling of calm, a sense of, dare I say it… power.

From that moment on every time some demoniacal monstrosity erupted on screen I would shoot at it like my life depended it. It became fun and after a short time I found myself looking forward to the scary parts just so I could shoot the television.

power

Naturally, as the movie got scarier, I had to get a bigger gun.

nerf

So, if you’re a major scaredy-cat like me, try arming yourself the next time you’re watching a horror movie…trust me, it works.

Oh, and as for my zombie apocalypse nightmares, I reckon I’ve got them beat.

come_get_me

Why Winter Sucks

Winter is approaching again and I am absolutely dreading it. Soon I’ll be rugged up on the couch, covered in blankets, while my whole family will be getting about in T-shirts and annoyingly insisting that, “It’s not that cold”.

For the entirety of the winter months my hands become like ice blocks and my skin turns to permanent goose flesh. In fact, I’m pretty much like that during the autumn months as well. Give me a hot, humid, summer’s day any day.

Here are some more reason why I think winter sucks:

My shoes don’t fit.

socks

The torturous decision each morning to end a steaming hot shower.

shower

The atrociously unsexy nightly attire.

romance

Getting into bed.

bed1

Getting out of bed.

bed2

Excruciating foot cramps brought on by the cold.

cramp

I did manage come up with one good thing about winter…I always win at “icicle hands”!

icicle_hands