How My Pets See Me When I Vacuum

I have a little Jack Russell and two adorable (but slightly annoying) cats. I have to vacuum the house a lot because of the animal hair (if I don’t, within a week it looks like we have shag carpet).

No matter how many times I vacuum, my animals react in the same exact way every single time. With total, unadulterated terror. So, I drew up a sketch based on how I think my pets see me when I vacuum.

Vacuum_lady

Why Ghosts are Scarier than Zombies

I have always thought that ghosts were way scarier than zombies, but never really bothered to put any thought into why I think that. I recently came to the realisation that this was just plain lazy, so last week I thought long and hard about the reasons…

…why ghosts are scarier than zombies

Reason #1 You can’t kill a ghost.

I know exactly how to kill a zombie…

beheading

…but how the hell do you kill a ghost?

Invisible_ghost

Reason #2 Ghosts make horrible neighbours.

Imagine you lived next door to a haunted house…

haunted-house

What happens if your ball goes into their yard? You’re screwed!

Now, imagine you lived next door to a house full of zombies…

zombie-house

Considering the fact that zombies are mentally incapable of understanding the mechanics behind opening a door or window, living next door to them would be at best hilarious and at worst, a bit on the noisy side (and at least you can get your ball back).

Reason #3 Ghosts are malevolent and cruel.

Think about it…who would you rather have visit you in the dead of night, that ghost girl from The Ring…

Ringu

Or this guy? Sure, he’s not pretty, but he’s not there to haunt you until you go insane, he’s just a bit peckish is all.

zombie

Reason #4 Ghosts are very, very sneaky.

sneaky_ghost

Zombies are terrible hiders.

unsneaky_zombie

Reason #5 You don’t hear anyone telling zombie stories around the campfire.

They’re just not that scary.

ghost_story

Reason #6 Ghosts might actually exist.
It seems that almost everyone claims to have seen, or felt the presence of, a ghost at some point in their life.

ghost_tales

Nobody has ever claimed to have seen a zombie.

zombie_story

How To Get Revenge On Your Cat

Lately my cats have been getting on my nerves. It’s just little things they’re doing – like dragging blankets through the house (my blankets, not theirs), stealing the dog’s food, play-fighting on the couch – so violently that couch cushions end up all over the floor, scampering across the kitchen counter (I’m looking at you, Cherri) and just being generally irritating.

They have, in fact, been so annoying lately that I am starting to wonder if they have some kind of beef with me. There is a lot of debate on whether cats can be vengeful or not; some people say yes (mostly cat owners) and others say it’s not possible for a (non-human) animal to have an emotion like revenge. I tend to lean towards the side of Hell, yeah, they are!

It started me thinking… what if I decided to get revenge on my cats? Of course I wouldn’t actually do that, but if I did…how would I go about it? Here’s what I’ve come up with so far…

How to get revenge on your cat

1. Cats are attracted to boxes like moths to a flame. Put a giant empty box in the lounge room. The vengeful part? Make sure it is completely sealed.

box

2. Keep the door closed to just one room of the house. It will soon become the only place your cat wants to be.

mystery_room

3. Eat bacon in front of them.

bacon

4. When cats encounter something new in their environment it really freaks them out. Put an object in a place where there is normally nothing (like the hallway). It doesn’t even have to be anything scary-looking; for example, a lamp will do nicely.

they don't love lamp

5. Borrow an annoying puppy for the day.

annoying-puppy

6. Deny access to your lap.

no-lap

If you have any more revenge ideas feel free to e-mail me. If I like your idea I’ll draw it and put it up here.

Home Alone

I love my family, but when they all leave the house at once it is awesome! It also doesn’t happen very often, so when the opportunity arises, I jump at it.

bye

Then, when I find myself alone, it’s always a bit of a shock…

Home alone

…until reality sinks in.

Home alone2

Then it’s just a matter of deciding what to do…

Pull out my recipe books and cook some exotic, gourmet meal?

fancy-pants

Wade through the masses of paperwork that needs filing?

paperwork

Yoga?

Downward_Dog

That’s it! Yoga always makes me feel amazing afterward. I am totally going to do yoga!

Right after I finish this game.

wwf

How To Make Everyday Afflictions Seem More Dramatic

When you’re a hypochondriac it can be rather difficult to get your family and friends to take your health concerns seriously. I mean, they’ve heard it all before, right? I figure there are many of you in the same boat as me, so after giving it some thought I believe I have finally come up with a new way to garner sympathy and coddling from your loved ones. It simply involves dressing up your words a little bit.

For example, you can make a hangover appear more legitimate (thus evoking more sympathy from others) by referring to it as “veisalgia”.

veisalgia

Painful cramps? Not anymore, now you have dysmenorrhoea!

cramps

Pins and needles?

pins and needles

Feeling itchy is for commoners!

pruritis

Hayfever Shmayfever!

hayfever

If you ever want to simply perplex your loved ones, try this…

phosphenes

…and lastly, may I present the ultimate excuse for not going into work…

sickie

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because I have some major obdormition happening in my arse cheeks!

Geriatric

The other night we were watching television when an aging female actor who looked somewhat familiar appeared on screen. My husband said…

getting_old

to which my daughter replied (with eyes rolled)…

getting_old2

Hilarity ensued.

getting_old3

We then explained (with perhaps a smidgen of condescension) that there was a TV series of the same name in the ’70s and that the original Charlie’s Angels were Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith. We continued to snicker until…

getting_old4

getting_old5

getting_old6

How to Watch a Horror Movie

Remember that scene in The Evil Dead where that regular, everyday douche-bag suddenly turns into a terrifying, supernatural douche-bag? You know, this guy…

holy-crapballs

Well, every time I watch that scene I do this:

aaaaargh

Every.single.time.

Over the years I have noticed a common trait in horror movie buffs – nothing really scares them. I know there must be others like me – horror movie buffs who crap themselves through each and every scary movie – but I think we are definitely the exception. In fact, most people I know who crap themselves watching horror movies tend to avoid watching them.

My husband, daughter and I are all horror movie buffs, but they belong to the former category and sit through every horror movie looking incredibly relaxed, if not slightly bored. I am the exact opposite to them and have developed a variety of ways to get through horror movies without too much trauma; some of these include:

Not actually watching.

eyes_shut

Using husband as protection.

hold_me

Making the most of visual impairment.

no_glasses

One night a few weeks ago we were all watching a particularly scary horror film. I was doing my usual thing, feeling unbearably anxious and trying to somehow watch without actually seeing anything.

 

pillows-will-save-me

 

fingers

Tired of my endless fidgeting and my constantly asking “What’s happening – is the scary bit over yet?” my daughter handed me one of my son’s toy guns.

gun

I know it was meant to be a joke, but I took the toy gun and aimed it at the television. Immediately something came over me – a feeling of calm, a sense of, dare I say it… power.

From that moment on every time some demoniacal monstrosity erupted on screen I would shoot at it like my life depended it. It became fun and after a short time I found myself looking forward to the scary parts just so I could shoot the television.

power

Naturally, as the movie got scarier, I had to get a bigger gun.

nerf

So, if you’re a major scaredy-cat like me, try arming yourself the next time you’re watching a horror movie…trust me, it works.

Oh, and as for my zombie apocalypse nightmares, I reckon I’ve got them beat.

come_get_me