How to Watch a Horror Movie

Remember that scene in The Evil Dead where that regular, everyday douche-bag suddenly turns into a terrifying, supernatural douche-bag? You know, this guy…


Well, every time I watch that scene I do this:



Over the years I have noticed a common trait in horror movie buffs – nothing really scares them. I know there must be others like me – horror movie buffs who crap themselves through each and every scary movie – but I think we are definitely the exception. In fact, most people I know who crap themselves watching horror movies tend to avoid watching them.

My husband, daughter and I are all horror movie buffs, but they belong to the former category and sit through every horror movie looking incredibly relaxed, if not slightly bored. I am the exact opposite to them and have developed a variety of ways to get through horror movies without too much trauma; some of these include:

Not actually watching.


Using husband as protection.


Making the most of visual impairment.


One night a few weeks ago we were all watching a particularly scary horror film. I was doing my usual thing, feeling unbearably anxious and trying to somehow watch without actually seeing anything.





Tired of my endless fidgeting and my constantly asking “What’s happening – is the scary bit over yet?” my daughter handed me one of my son’s toy guns.


I know it was meant to be a joke, but I took the toy gun and aimed it at the television. Immediately something came over me – a feeling of calm, a sense of, dare I say it… power.

From that moment on every time some demoniacal monstrosity erupted on screen I would shoot at it like my life depended it. It became fun and after a short time I found myself looking forward to the scary parts just so I could shoot the television.


Naturally, as the movie got scarier, I had to get a bigger gun.


So, if you’re a major scaredy-cat like me, try arming yourself the next time you’re watching a horror movie…trust me, it works.

Oh, and as for my zombie apocalypse nightmares, I reckon I’ve got them beat.


The Sun

I have a morbid fear of something that has led many people to believe I am a crazy person – I am scared of the Sun. I’m not talking scared in a oooh, the Sun is mighty and powerful, I have great respect and awe for it kind of way, but more of a the Sun is a death-ball of horror that is hunting me down and trying to kill me kind of way. Now, before you start agreeing with the aforementioned assessment of my sanity, I put it to you that if you are not afraid of the Sun, then you, sir or madam, are the crazy person!

The Sun is approximately 150 million kilometres away from Earth. Yet, if I go outside at noon in my bathers and just stand there, minding my own business, it will burn me. Not only that, it can burn me so bad that my skin peels off. It can even cause cancer in my skin. Cancer!  The Sun can kill me from 150 million kilometres away! How is that not terrifying? I can’t even look up at the Sun and shake my fist at it in fury because it will burn the retinas right out of my eyeballs!

Aside from my zombie-apocalypse nightmares, I am also regularly treated to Sun-apocalypse nightmares. Sometimes I am hurtling towards the Sun, being slowly burned alive. Sometimes the Sun will either explode or die. Other times the Sun will simply consume everything, me, the Earth, the Universe. It becomes some insatiable monster, hell-bent on growing ever-larger. Because of this, I make it my business to avoid looking at pictures of (or learning anything about) the Sun. If a documentary on the Sun comes on television I cannot reach for the remote quickly enough. Unfortunately, my ignorance of the facts about the Sun means that situations like this often happen while watching regular TV.


For reasons that I am trying to forget, the Sun has been in the news a bit lately which has made it hard for me to avoid learning new things about it. A few nights ago I accidentally looked at the TV when it showed a close-up of the Sun. I shuddered in horror and turned away, but the image was already imprinted on my brain. This has brought on a series of nightmares of which I will share with you in pictorial form.




I have really tried to come to terms with my fear. I draw happy, harmless-looking suns in most of my pictures and I even got a tattoo of a smiling sun. I have tried to think of the Sun in positive ways…as a giver of life, a nurturer of the Earth and a warmer of reptiles. But you know what? That’s crap! We are utterly reliant on that gigantic, people-killing, planet-swallowing hell-ball and it knows it!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to look at pictures of the Moon.