Socially Inappropriate Security Guard Guy

I’m pretty sure we’ve all met someone like him. He’s the guy who approaches you with what, at first, appears to be a simple, friendly greeting. You respond with an equally friendly greeting because, well, it’s polite (and you’re not a total bastard). However, after about four minutes of mind-numbing small talk, interspersed with disturbing, uninvited insights into his personal life, you realise you’ve been tricked. But by then it’s too late – you’re in a one-sided conversation with socially-inappropriate security guard guy.

I recently visited country Victoria to spend Christmas with my parents and my sister and her family. I was warned by my sister that a large number of inhabitants of a nearby town (which shall remain nameless) seemed to be “not quite right”. Intrigued by this information, my husband and I jumped in the car, and took our son and nephew along for the drive.

When we arrived we bought the kids some bakery delights and sat at a table on the sidewalk of the main street.


This also happened to be the exact moment that socially-inappropriate security guard guy went on his smoke break. (I know back when I was a smoker and went outside for a cigarette, the first thing I always did was find some young children and light up right next to them.)


Now, I tell you with no exaggeration that this man proceeded to talk non-stop for fifteen minutes. After what we thought was just going to be a pleasant (and brief) greeting we suddenly found ourselves held captive by a man who apparently had millions of things to say and not enough people to say them to.


He didn’t care that we had stopped listening. He didn’t notice our uncomfortable body language. He didn’t see my husband and I exchange glances of disbelief. He was even oblivious to the fact that my son had somehow managed to swallow his loose tooth.

Socially-inappropriate security guard guy just kept on yammering while my husband and I attended to my son’s emotional distress. I eventually had to interrupt him, “Excuse me, my son just swallowed his tooth”. He barely even skipped a beat. That’s right, he just kept on telling us things while I tried not to vomit at the thought of swallowing a mouthful of chocolate eclair mixed with blood and tooth.


Eventually we said goodbye to the insane, annoying security guard and drove back to my sister’s house to relay our adventures of the town nearby. The moral of this story? Don’t drive to the next town over in the hopes of finding people who seem “not quite right”, because you might actually find them.

Oh, and it is my firm belief that this is what happened after we left.


11 thoughts on “Socially Inappropriate Security Guard Guy

  1. That is hysterical! You poor things – be careful what you wish for hey? I reckon we have all met someone like him at some point. Wish I could animate him like you do 🙂

  2. LMAO – and nearly choked on my hotdog at same time. Hilarious. I just read Little Miss Chatterbox to Oceane last night and she sounded like she might be related to totally innapropriate security guard guy. I hope Christie just laughed and said “I told you so” 🙂

  3. Did he say, “this one time at band camp…” I noticed it in the monologue behind his head; that is where my mind goes sometimes, straight to the bawdy bit.

    “The moral of this story? Don’t drive to the next town over in the hopes of finding people who seem “not quite right”, because you might actually find them.” Well, you *were* warned. Too funny!

  4. I thought of this post yesterday when we went for breakfast, and our waitress was making us feel really uncomfortable. She kind of hovered about talking to herself and then to us, then to herself again. She tried to take my plate away while my fork was midway to my mouth and food still on my plate. We were treated with a monologue about which ice cream she liked the most, it was strawberry and chocolate, and mint chocolate chip, oh and boysenberry is very yum, in case you were interested. We were in a wildlife park and she was trying to shoo the birds away, and said that the birds never listen to her. I think I can relate to how the birds might have felt.

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